but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
