Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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