just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
it glows. i had to have it.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
