i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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