life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
