Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
