"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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