I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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