It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
