I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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