And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
