Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
