I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
