I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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