Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
