I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
