Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
