I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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