I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
