Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I need to stop coming to work sober
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Randomize
