You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
