Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
