Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
