god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
