they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
im on a boat
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