I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Randomize
