So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
