Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
