So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
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I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
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I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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