On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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