Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
