I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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