Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
