I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
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yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
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She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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