Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
