Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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