On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
