You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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