You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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