When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
