Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
