Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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