She said her name was "party"
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
There are leaves in my underwear?
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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