and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
