Betty ford says i'm here all night
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Randomize
