My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
