I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
