I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
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