why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
