a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
