between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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