Tell her she can't have a vagina
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
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I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
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When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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