I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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