Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
