If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
