At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
