I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
