i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize