we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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