i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
We need to get me chipped asap
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
